KINK
What is kink/BDSM?
Kink: Kink is often thought of as an unconventional sexual act or dynamic. Many factors can influence if a particular act would be considered unconventional—religion, culture, and our environment expose and foster our attitudes towards sex. Kink does not equal sex. There can be overlap, but not always. Specific negotiation is needed.
BDSM: BDSM is a variety of sexual activities that range from role-playing, dominance and submission, restraints, sensations, and a variety of other sexual behaviors.
BDSM Relationships vary from other sexual relationships in that there is a declared dominant and submissive partner in BDSM. (Negotiations and safe words).
Many people do not realize that what they already do or enjoy is part of the wide realm of kink/BDSM:
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Role Play & Dress Up
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Rough Sex
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Biting and/or clawing and/or scratching
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Growling or purring
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Being held down or pinned
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Spanking
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Blindfolding
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Talking dirty or talking through a fantasy while having sex or pleasuring someone
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Watching someone have sex
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Being watched having sex
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Telling someone what you want them to do to you in bed or will do to them.
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Having someone tell you what they want to do to you in bed or will do to you.
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Taking turns as to who is in charge of giving or guiding the erotic experience
How can work with a kink specialized therapist benefit individuals and couples/partners?
We let our clients know that ALL of life has power dynamics. We work on identifying, refining, and, if needed, reframing them. We empower the client by normalizing a range of desires and fantasies. We highlight that learning about BDSM/Kink has an opportunity to expand our erotic template, enhance negotiation and deepen a sense of both play and safety. We help the client(s) experience being seen, felt, and heard accurately, as well as share what you have learned about Safewords, the Community, the value of Education, Consent, and Play.
We help them unpack what they long for or are afraid of. We accomplish this by reflecting on personal history, fantasies, and desires, as well as unpacking assumptions based on enculturation by family, media, peers, education, and/or religion.
Intimacy and the release of shame
Kink can beautifully deepen intimacy for a couple when they practice revealing with authenticity and listening to one another without shame or judgment. When we can share these communications safely, we create a valued and unique relationship.
We help foster this relationship by the following 5 Key Practices:
1) Postponement of immediate gratification.
For example, our partner wanted something new, different or, more often, benefits from having an inner dialogue that allows for both the connection to the goals of a joyous sex life while releasing that it all has to be now.
2) The Practice of Compassionate Reflective Listening for both partners.
By utilizing Non-Violent Communication or some other Compassionate Communication practice one person speaks, while the other attentively listens. Then reflects back on what they THINK they may have heard.
3) Collaboration to create a win/win, including taking turns.
4) Forgiveness for inevitable mistakes.
Developing a plan in advance for what to do if/when the worst-case scenario happens in order to rebuild trust and connection.
5) Discernment as to which fantasies are best lived out and which ones would
benefit from remaining a fantasy.
Am I normal?
There is often a concern that Kinky desires or BDSM fantasies arise from abuse, that they are a sign of some mental instability or psychological immaturity. Study after study shows that people who practice BDSM are no more likely to have had abuse, or depression, anxiety, or mental diagnosis than the rest of the population. In fact, markers show that they are emotionally healthier, more likely to discuss boundaries and to process emotions with their partner.
